WHAT IS THE SELF PRESERVATION SOCIETY?
Founded in Kent, England, by the Original Miserable Bastard (O.M.B.), the Self Preservation Society exists for those who know the awful truth:
all humans are cunts
We don’t sugarcoat it. We don’t pretend it’s different. Instead, we embrace the futility, raise a glass, sharpen our wit, and mock the chaos together.
Membership is not about hope, progress, or self-improvement (god forbid). It’s about solidarity in misery, laughter in despair, and finding a tribe of equally jaded bastards who know the world is ridiculous.
Why Join the Self Preservation Society
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Because pretending life has meaning is exhausting.
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Because community can be built on shrugs, moans, and mugs of despair.
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Because all humans are cunts — and it’s better to admit it together than suffer alone.
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We're not here to fix the world. We're here to survive it - together.
The Benefits of Futility
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Free Access to Despair – our official zine of grievances, proclamations, and pointless decrees.
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Entry to the Assembly of Futility – monthly gatherings where absolutely nothing is solved, but everything is complained about.
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Your Place in the Hall of Futility – submit your fictitious name, title, and face to be enshrined in eternal misery.
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Badges of Bastardy – earn ridiculous digital honours for moaning, shrugging, and generally being useless.
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Discounted Merch of Misery – mugs, T-shirts, stickers, and sacred tat available cheaper to members.
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Smug Exclusivity – access to hidden chambers, uncut editions, and secrets outsiders will never see.
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High Council Vacancies – apply for ludicrous titles like Lord of Bollocks or Archivist of Futility and rise to smug nobility.
Joining won’t make your life better.
It won’t give you purpose.
It won’t even stop the misery.
But it will make you part of something gloriously pointless — and that’s worth at least a pint.
SOCIETY MEMBERSHIP
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Official members pack
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Access to members only content
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15% smug discount on all society tat
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Exclusive Merch only available to members of the 'inner sanctum'..shhh!
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Free Access to our official zine publication - DESPAIR
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Entry to members-only areas and Group chat/moan
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Right to moan freely on grievance board
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Eligibilty to apply for high council nonsense
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Earn Void points (rewards) redeemable for a whole plethora of useless tat
Pay £30 once for tat & membership, then just £15/year to preserve thyself. Join now and get;
No hidden tiers. No confusing plans. Just one glorious price for misery
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get the latest edition of our bi-monthly zine Free to members
NOt a member? no worries, you can download your copy here for only £1.99
Why not gift the curse of membership to someone you (barely) care about
Earn Void Tokens with every purchase and redeem them for rewards that won’t fill the emptiness — but might make it look good.
Loyalty is meaningless. Points are eternal.
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For the friend, enemy, colleague, or random bastard in your life who already owns everything except meaning, we present the Self Preservation Society Gift Card.
This card is more than just a token of apathy. It is the currency of futility — redeemable across our entire miserable empire. Whether they crave a mug of despair, a shirt of shame, a sticker of futility, or even a full year’s membership in the Society itself, this card makes it possible (though not necessarily sensible).
Perfect for birthdays, holidays, or moments when you simply can’t be bothered to choose, the Gift Card saves you the trouble of caring, while still appearing thoughtful. It can be used by members and outsiders alike, meaning anyone can partake in our tat and torment.
Delivered digitally (because stamps are for optimists), it arrives instantly and without ceremony — which is exactly the Society way. The card never expires, lingering forever, just like regret.
What It Does:
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Acts like money, but more depressing.
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Spend it on tat (T-shirts, mugs, stickers).
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Spend it on misery (membership, zines, or High Council nonsense).
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Works for members and outsiders alike.
The Fine Print:
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Available in multiple values (depending on how generous or spiteful you feel).
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Delivered digitally (no post, no ceremony, no joy).
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Valid until the end of time, or until the world collapses — whichever comes first.
The Society Gift Card
Gift Futility. Gift a Society Gift Card
Behold, the gallery of misery
Here stand the Society faithful, clad in futility and sipping from mugs of despair.
Join today, submit your likeness, and be enshrined forever as one of the miserable few.
Do you own Society merch? Do you own a face? Then you're eligible.
Miserable Bastard
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